Saturday, October 30, 2010
I'm tired of keeping things to myself
9:16 AM | 
Posted by
Kevin
I hate feeling so sick, hurt and upset inside, but I bottle it up from everyone hoping it'll go away.
I hate that I somehow convinced myself years ago that no one actually gives a damn about anyone's problems.
I hate that the greatest happiness I've felt in months is far away. And now it's gone. I always expected it would happen to either of us, but it still sucks.
I hate pretending things are okay.
I hate telling people I'm fine because I don't want to kill the mood.
I hate that I always want to help those close to me who need to talk, but I'm afraid to do the same. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I hate being the "nerd" of the family. No one enjoys what I like quite on the same level, and I feel like a social outcast.
I hate that my family can't stand my dad and feels it necessary to insult him behind his back.
I hate that I grew up with a bi-polar, mood-swinging, clinically depressed man as my father.
I hate that I seem to be the only one who excuses my dad's inexcusable behavior.
I hate that I'm an idealist.
I hate that I was supposedly a happier, more confident person when I was a kid. I miss the old me.
I hate that my oldest brothers, who spent most of their lives not being close and finally got the chance, have now been torn apart and are more distant than ever.
I hate that my twin brother started smoking in order to deal with his inner demons. I'm sorry to all you smokers out there, but that's just how I feel.
I hate that my mom is no longer the woman she once was and has mental breakdowns once a week.
I hate that my family is dysfunctional in the first place.
I hate that I'm starting to cry while writing this.
I hate my life.
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2 comments:
"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves" - some guy called Chuck.
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." - Coretta Scott King (heck knows who).
Firstly, I know you know that I know I don't understand your life. But hey, I can listen. Not that nosey neighbour kind of listen, just a friendly sort of listening... (I'll shut up).
I'm not saying you should take advice from some random freelance journalist named Chuck (above), just sit down and breathe.
Breathe.
Close your eyes. Just block it all out for a moment - that I know about. You've helped others, now it's your time to be listened to. I know what that's like - not getting the chance to speak out what you want to say, how you feel. Sometimes I just block it out, and that has its consequences.
Why does hate come out easily, but love gets trapped inside? "In time we hate that which we often fear," - Shakespeare. And he's right.
I know this one comment probably won't change anything but...I just. I don't what to say. I want to help - I've always wanted to help others, so damn badly. But I just...I fear. So, I'll just end this comment with Martin Luther K Jr.
"Hatred paralyses life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonises it. Hatred darknes life; love illuminates it,"
Learn to love yourself again, and then only you can love others. You ARE unique, and you have a heart - you care for others, that little I know. You ARE a good person. Stop hating yourself, the person you are now. Sometimes it may seem the world is against you (apologies for that slightly cliche bit) but ou need to be strong. You ARE something.
Hope and faith can illuminate and eliminate the darkness like a gentle candle and guide you to the light (not the light as in the tunnel "I SEE A LIGHT!" light, I mean like the light of life.)...ignore the tunnel part. Why am I not deleting the stuff I type? No regrets. That it why. Stop regretting.
Seriously sorry to hear your struggling.
I dont know you, but I am a good listener and sometimes have some good advice.
Hang in there, I would like to read more of what you have to say.
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